Monday, 27 April 2015

Reflection

So it has been over a year since I've blogged... Oops o_O!

So life has been rather... Eventful?
Right now I am sitting on the couch in my lounge. The lights are off and I have music pumping through the surround sound.

Today I've been feeling rather low BUT over the last few weeks I've been seeing new doctors (psychiatrist and psychologist) and I'm really making progress with them. 

Previous posts I've discussed the fact that I have Bipolar Disorder... After a bit of a breakdown earlier this year and seeing mental health specialists I've had that diagnosis questioned and they have diagnosed me with Personality Disorder. 

This was not what I expected but after many chats and questions with the doctor I came to agree with them and set on the path to picking up the pieces of my life. 

I am on medication (General anti-depressants at the moment) and I've also been started in CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

The therapy is interesting and it's still very early days but I think it's going to be a great help. It's a bit boring at parts as there are elements that I feel are childish/obvious (lack of better word) 

I was doing really well but in the last couple of days I've been a bit flat. 

I have a broken rib (so in a lot of pain) and had to pull out of a show I was in so I think it's just that. I don't like pulling out of shows. 

I have other projects happening at the moment though so it's good. 

I am the Musical Director for a youth production of "The Wizard of Oz" with a great company! I'm loving the process so far and it'll only get better. 

I've also got my FIRST directing gig later this year. I'm Directing Hairspray with three great friends on my artistic team. Think it is going to be a PHENOMENAL show (I hope =P )

Anyways. I am going to leave this here and hopefully I will be blogging a lot more from here on. 

Piece out :-P

Friday, 1 November 2013

Bitten off more than I can chew??

So... Suprise Suprise I am once again blogging at some ungodly hour! Can't sleep and not at all tired...

Had rehearsals today for "Jesus Christ Superstar" now while I am normally a VERY easy production team member to work with. Today just had me at the end of my teather. It was just a flat rehearsal, people's heads were just not there tonight. I know I shouldn't be worried about it and I need to listen to my own advice that I have told others tonight... Which is that every show has a shit rehearsal where nothing seems to go right, which is very true. And tonight was it for this production. Tuesday just gone was very good and while it had its rough moments... On the whole was a very good rehearsal. Tonight fell over and I was getting very frustrated and begun to loose patience with my cast which I've not done before. I think it is because I'm feeling VERY inadequate with this show. It's not as simple as I thought. While I can teach it all and the compound and irregular timesignatures are not anything new to me... I have NO idea how to conduct some of the songs... There are bits in 5/8... HOW DO I CONDUCT THAT?? And 7/8, and 7/4 and 5/4 (the 7-4 and 5/4 don't actually pose as much issues) but it's doing my head in... Along with the fact that I'm not the best pianist in the game. While I can play this score... When it comes to the fucked time signatures it's really hard for me to play, conduct and cue the cast and band. I just don't know how this one is going to all just fit together in the end. I also think that the cast and band are always judging me... It's stupid and I'm sure they aren't BUT even though rationally I know this it does not stop my mind going there. I just want the show to be good. I want to have my confidence back! I know my shit!!! If I ever came against something that I didn't know I used to just ask someone who would. But now I'm just always second guessing myself. I don't know why!! I have had people tell me that "friends" talk and bag me out behind my back. A girl that I helped compile music for her show has apparently said "Ben does a heap of shows but doesn't do any of them well"...  Like... WTF!!! My first two shows that I Musically directed in Melbourne were amazing! And were award winning and rave reviews etc... The rest I've had people compliment and stuff but I just don't have confidence in my abilities. I don't know what it is... 


I care to much about what other people think. I'm always trying to make sure everyone else is happy... I'm sacrificing quality because I'm making choices that in the end make people happy and keep the peace rather than what I think is right or needs to be done!

I really just need a win. It would be amazing if I had a mentor or someone that sees something in me and says "kids got potential and passion, let's give him a shot" 

Seriously I would be happy to be an assistant and to sit back, take notes and LEARN but I don't see that happening. 

This is all really just the straw that broke the camels back. I'm crumbling fast and don't see it stoping. Really no end in sight.

Why can't ... I don't even know what I want, I give up! Just need to finish this shit off and stop trying. No one would be disappointed then. I won't be letting anyone down. Just go into hibernation and go through day by day doing what ever I need to keep everyone else happy. 

I feel so pathetic writing this stupid blog. I do nothing but bitch... But a)no one reads it anyway so I guess it's okay and b) I need to vent somewhere... Not that it helps... At all...

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Help??

So it's been forever since I posted on here. Apologies if I've got any friends or regular readers. I seem to only post here when I'm in the midst of an episode (be it manic or depressive) and today is no different.

I am at the end of my tether. I am completely lost and have NO idea what to do. I'm not coping and haven't been for over a month now. I need help but I don't know who or where to go. I'm also petrified that going to "help" isn't going to actually going to help me. And I really can't cope with drawing this out longer than it needs to be... If I go to a doctor and they can't identify with my problem and give me a program or something that will actually help me I don't know what I'd do. I'm tired of this. I'm just over it. I am always having to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine because if I don't then I just feel like everyone gets pissed off and angry at me and always make it seem like I am bringing it on myself so I have no right to complain or anything. The second I'm in a slump people who know I've got a mental illness just dismiss me and tell me that I need to go get professional help. Those who don't know get angry at me because I dare to think about my problems for once rather than listen to everyone else's problems which are fucking trivial!!!

I am loosing control and genuinely concerned that I'm going to do something stupid. I'm entertaining thoughts that I've never done before. I've never been as bad that I've not been able to push stupid thoughts out of my head. I'm lost. And as evident in this blog I'm stuck in a loop! I am so fucking dizzy from going around in circles. 

I have no choice but to just push everything I'm feeling aside though because once got that much to deal with that if I'm not able to fix or help everyone else they won't cope.

I'm tired of it. I need help but don't know where to go! I need it to stop. I want to go back to being the 'happy go lucky' guy everyone knows me to be...

Believe me you have NO bloody idea how much I would love to be me again. I've not been myself for a long time. I'm absolutely exhausted from pretending I'm okay, pretending nothing is wrong, saying I'm okay so I can help other people with their problems.

WHAT DO I DO!!!

I can't go to my "safe people" because one of them in now living in another country, my sister doesn't know how to help me outside of just listening to me. Which believe me she is happy to do and I appreciate it but as I said talking is not helping it's just sending me round in circles.

My mum will just tell me I'm to busy and I need to cut back on my theatrical projects but no matter how many times I've told everyone this but theatre is honest to god the only thing keeping me together. It is the ONLY thing keeping me here. 

It is my life. It is ME! And theatre is the only time I get to feel something the resembles myself.

I can't see how people don't understand this... It's been my whole life since I was a kid when I started dancing. So 16 years theatre/live performance has been my life. It's the ONLY CONSISTENT in my life.

... And NOW looking back over this blog I feel like I'm being a fucking drama queen and just dramatizing everything. 

HELP! HOW DO I BREAK THIS CYCLE! I'm stuck in this loop and just want to get off.

I feel that I am at the end of the war, but I'm on the loosing side.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

I'll be your gay friend

Hey all!! How's life??

Mine? Yeah not to bad (Right not anyway) been absolutely flat out busy!! BUT it has been good.

Firstly I gotta say how ashamed of myself I am!!! I have not once mentioned my obsession with "Robbie Williams" he is SEX WITH A MICROPHONE!! Love him (this blog title is a line from his song "Gay friend")... So yeah... ANYWAY

Currently 3am and I am WIDE awake!! I don't know if it is because of the new meds I am taking for the bipolar or what BUT my sleeping pattern has been completely fucked up over the last few weeks. It is absolute ridiculousness.

SO on the Bipolar front... I am continuing to spiral into places that I really would rather not be! In my lucid (Is that the correct term for this??) moments its not to bad, I am able to recognize that I was in a depressive cycle but obviously when I am IN a depressive cycle I am not able to be rational or anything like that... the down's are becoming more frequent and lasting longer than they ever have.

I have been to my doc and he won't up the lithium as the lithium serum levels in my blood are to high so he has added another drug to take with the lithium and were gonna see how that is after 3 weeks (at the end of week one now)

To make matters worse I find out that my mother thinks that I am full of shit. I am not sure exactly how/what/who she thinks but she has been messaging my boyfriend and I was reading the conversation the other day (he knew... I wasn't snooping) and she was commenting on how my doc just gave me what I wanted and I am using it as an excuse or something, basically... the way I understand it she thinks I am over acting and making up bullshit. How am I meant to feel when my own mother is talking like that about me behind my back?? DON'T GET ME WRONG... If I am reading into it to much or if I misunderstood the conversation then I will happily eat my words BUT I do get the feeling that she does think that way.

I really do hate myself a lot at the moment. I should be over the moon... I mean I am able to do what I love at the moment, I am Musical Director for 4 musicals at the moment and LOVING it.... BUT at the same time I am constantly feeling that I am not good enough... then when I am "lucid" (Again... correct word??) I kick my self because I think that I am trying to hard to make everyone like me. It is a stupid constant battle!!!

I have some amazing friends but I always think that they don't really like me or that I am annoying them.

There ARE some people at the moment that I thought were my friends but they don't talk to me unless they want something from me (generally music or something along those lines) they have events and parties or go out and I don't hear anything about it.

I had a friend go out for a night on the town with a few of my other friends and she posted pic's on facebook of the fun night and messaged me the next day and asked me to email her the sheet music to a song she wants to use for an audition... You'll think of me when you want music BUT you wont think to sms and say "Hey, heading out with the gang.. you in??" REALLY!?!?

BAH!!!

Something that is REALLY upsetting me at the moment... I am REALLY wanting to write a musical, I have an idea and my sister is helping me write the book. I want to start on the score but I just can't compose anything that I am happy with. DRIVING ME BONKERS!!!!!! I am hoping once I actually get a written plot/character outline from my sister that will help me develop the ideas I have.

Watching an interview with Tim Minchin on "Matilda" and he was saying that the characters/story inspired the lyrics and the lyrics inspired the music so I am thinking I should try that process rather than trying to get the music first or music and lyrics at the same time.... I HOPE SO!!!!

Anyways... Not that I am going to go to sleep BUT I am going to stop ranting about nothing as I'm sure if you have gotten this far you are sick of it...

Anyways please feel free to email me if you would like to chat about anything or comment (If i have a comment box... NOT SURE)... Even though I'm fairly sure I only have a few people who read/follow this blog...

Keep it real peeps and until next time STAY SAFE!!!!

Xo


Saturday, 12 January 2013

Over It

Bleh!!! Seriously not coping at all!!

This week has started off great. I had my niece, nephew and sister over for three days, went to Lunar park, movies and wave pool. We all had a blast but even while they were here... Whilst I had a great time and loved having them down instill wasn't really all here mentally. Now they have gone back home and I am without distraction I am crashing and fast.

Doesn't help that I have been receiving kick after kick in the nuts of late.

Firstly one of the shows I'm involved in are really doing my head in. We are about to start rehearsals and I have not gotten my scores. I have no rehearsal pianist and I just really not feeling it for the show. The only reason I am sticking at it is that a previous "friend" did some major damage to my rep as a musical director (although not as extensive as I first thought) and I don't want to tarnish my name by quitting the show. AND I do NOT want to leave my fellow production team as I have become really close friends with them throughout the short time we have spent producing the show and I don't want to ditch them.

The second show which I am assistant for is also doing my head in. The Musical Director for it has fallen pregnant (MAJORLY EXCITED FOR HER!) but she is due when the show is on so has decided it would be best to withdraw. I completely understand her decision but it sucks as I was really keen to work and learn from her. Anyways!! As such the committee have informed us that they will be opening up the position for MD... Now this is a kick in the balls for me as the only reason I didn't apply for MD was because it was already appointed and the ONLY reason I applied to AMD was to work with the MD. Because it is a show I am majorly obsessed with I want to be involved in any way possible but would rather be a cast member, MD or Director. They are concerned about my availability in the early stages which is shit BUT understandable. But I personally feel that with planning and collaboration with fellow prod team members that a rehearsal schedule would be easily devised that would work around that.

I really just sick and tired of shit. I had the opportunity to Musically Direct two other shows that I had to turn down due to accepting the assistant position that is now potentially not happening.

I really just want to give up on everything . I am not coping with my bipolar and trying to sort out all this shit is just really pushing me further and further away from what I feel is a safe/stable place that I WAS in. I want to go to the doctors and get help but I am petrified that either I will be dismissed with other drugs and told to come back in 4 to 8 weeks OR I will be locked up or something!! I am lost and don't know what to do but at the same time I don't care... I don't want to give up on everything but am becoming closer and closer to that point!!!!

Bleh!!



Sunday, 23 December 2012

Late minds!

SO!! It is 1:36am and I am NO LONGER TIRED! I fell asleep while watching Batman with Tristan and my housemate (in a stupidly uncomfortable position that I think has left me permanently disfigured) and now I am wide awake. So I figured I would Blog as once again I have lied to you all in the regular-ness of my blogging.

So I have been quite busy over the last month since I spoke to you. As you know I've had Cinderella and Hairspray rehearsals as well as work. So much public transport time it's ridiculous. I wish my iPad were not smashed as it would REALLY come in handy on my many hours a week spent on trains and trams

Anyways! Some more exciting theatre news for me recently. I applied a while ago for the "Assistant Musical Director" gig for Bare with PEP theatre company. AND I GOT IT!!! Even more exciting is I am working with 3 very good friends and amazingly talented women! I am also working with a fellow I don't really know well at all so I am sure he is just as amazing and talented! This won't be starting up until my other two shows are close to finishing which is good. I won't be to over run.
I am a bit nervous though as my primary job as AMD is playing piano for rehearsals. While I know the score for the show quite well and I feel I am capable of playing it I am always nervous when my piano playing is a job rather than just playing for fun and sing-a-long's. I also have some friends who are always correcting me when I play or telling me how it goes or meant to sound. It really shits me because even though I know they are not doing it in a spiteful or mean manner. I don't think they realize just how paranoid and sensitive I am about my skill level on the piano. ALSO some always correct me even when I have played EXACTLY what is written. They DON'T read music and all they are going from is what they have heard on the cast recording... I am playing ONE PART! Of many, the piano doesn't play EVERY note in the show and there are many shows that actually have multiple piano books so even if you hear a piano playing a certain part, that does not mean that THAT is the music I have in front of me.

On a random note though... I saw the movie adaptation of "Les Miserables" today. While I did absolutely LOVE it... It did not live up to expectations.

(WARNING POTENTIAL SPOILERS)

Hugh, whilst he could sing the parts really well I felt a lot of his singing lacked power and emotion. His acting was good and facial expressions were where they needed to be to portray how he was feeling it just wasn't in his voice. Russel was surprisingly good... However I was not expecting ANYTHING from him. The young girl who played "Young Cosette" was great!! As was the chap who played "Gaveroche" I cried when he got shot! Eponine was great! Loved her and Cosette was amazing! Did NOT know she had that voice! Marious was good but I felt he was a bit to "pop" at times and Aaron was brilliant! BUT! The "Show Stopping" performance goes to Anne as Fantine!! My god! I love her anyway and would go see a movie just because she is in it, but I really feel that she has gone above and beyond anything she has and WILL ever do! Words can not describe!!! I could go into more detail however I would be here for hours typing... so I won't.

Now I've run out of things to say... I've been all over the shop at the moment. I am just not coping with anything lately. I'll be good for a while but then out of the blue and for no reason I am fuming with anger or just over everything and want to curl up and have the world forget about me. I am well aware that this is EXACTLY what Bipolar is and does but I have just found the peaks and troughs so much more evident recently and I am loosing the ability to recognize them and talk myself out of them. Recently I just loose control of my thoughts. To the extent that I don't remember periods of time or conversations and such. Really quite petrifying BUT I don't know what to do. I really don't feel like going to my GP will help as I genuinely feel like he will dismiss it... Tell me what he thinks I want to hear and up my lithium (which I may add I don't think is helping. I take it when I'm meant to bar the odd time I forget). I am lost!! I want to go get professional help but don't know where to look or anything... BAH!!!

Well that certainly got deep and serious quite quickly :-/ sorry about that!

ANYWAYS!!! I will sign off now I guess. Don't really know what else to chat about.

Merry Christmas everyone!! Have a happy and above all SAFE holiday season! Please be safe and sensible!

I will be in Gippsland for the Christmas season with family which I am looking forward to. I will most likely blog within the next week as over the Chrissy and new year break many exciting things will happen!! (I hope)

ALSO!!! Today (well... Yesterday the 22nd of December) marks the 4 year anniversary of a very close friend and mentor of mine passing away. I would just like to say that I still miss you David! You were such an inspiration to myself and many others around. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for investing so much time in me and helping me become the person I am today!!

I would also like to point out (if I haven't already) that the quote/phrase that I have at the end of my blogs was one that Picky (David) had at the end of every email or letter that he sent out. Although on my phone I haven't got the pic to post I shall STILL use it as my "sign off"!!

"In a world of peace and love, Music would be the universal language"

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Time?? What is this "Time" you speak of?

Okay, so I think it's about time I stopped promising a time frame on my blogging... I will blog as often as I have something to talk about and when I have time =D

WELL! The last few weeks have been absolutely chocker block!!!

As I mentioned in my previous blog I am the Musical Director for LTC's production of "Hairspray: The Musical" VERY Exciting stuff! So Three weeks ago was the Information Session for the Auditions, then the following weekend we held the Auditions. We saw approx 90 people for a cast of 30ish! So we had a lot more work cut out for us than anticipated. We have ended up with a great cast so I couldn't be happier.

SO You would think now that my timetable would settle down a little bit? How wrong you are!!!

SO Rehearsals started yesterday for Hairspray, another one on Wednesday THEN Friday, Saturday and Sunday I have auditions for another show I am Musically Directing. "Cinderella" with Panorama theatre Company in Mornington.

Both are fantastic shows and both very different styles so I am really looking forward to it. I will learn a LOT.

Cinderella is going to be a challenge though. We are looking at a cast of 80 people (Between the ages of 10 and 21) and an orchestra of 30to40. MADNESS!!! HOWEVER! The end result will be amazing!

I have almost got my band for Hairspray finalized and so far it is comprised of some BRILLIANT players! going to sound AMAZING!!

I also just got a call form another company that I put a proposal in for earlier this year for a show 2nd half of next year! AND I have put in my application to Assistant Musically Direct "Bare" With PEP theatre company under the AMAZING musical director and dear friend of mine Vicki. She really knows her stuff and I really hope I get a chance to work under her =D

ANYWAYS I am going to go. I am currently at my lil sisters place watching "Dark Shadow" =D

Blog ya later