Bleh!!! Seriously not coping at all!!
This week has started off great. I had my niece, nephew and sister over for three days, went to Lunar park, movies and wave pool. We all had a blast but even while they were here... Whilst I had a great time and loved having them down instill wasn't really all here mentally. Now they have gone back home and I am without distraction I am crashing and fast.
Doesn't help that I have been receiving kick after kick in the nuts of late.
Firstly one of the shows I'm involved in are really doing my head in. We are about to start rehearsals and I have not gotten my scores. I have no rehearsal pianist and I just really not feeling it for the show. The only reason I am sticking at it is that a previous "friend" did some major damage to my rep as a musical director (although not as extensive as I first thought) and I don't want to tarnish my name by quitting the show. AND I do NOT want to leave my fellow production team as I have become really close friends with them throughout the short time we have spent producing the show and I don't want to ditch them.
The second show which I am assistant for is also doing my head in. The Musical Director for it has fallen pregnant (MAJORLY EXCITED FOR HER!) but she is due when the show is on so has decided it would be best to withdraw. I completely understand her decision but it sucks as I was really keen to work and learn from her. Anyways!! As such the committee have informed us that they will be opening up the position for MD... Now this is a kick in the balls for me as the only reason I didn't apply for MD was because it was already appointed and the ONLY reason I applied to AMD was to work with the MD. Because it is a show I am majorly obsessed with I want to be involved in any way possible but would rather be a cast member, MD or Director. They are concerned about my availability in the early stages which is shit BUT understandable. But I personally feel that with planning and collaboration with fellow prod team members that a rehearsal schedule would be easily devised that would work around that.
I really just sick and tired of shit. I had the opportunity to Musically Direct two other shows that I had to turn down due to accepting the assistant position that is now potentially not happening.
I really just want to give up on everything . I am not coping with my bipolar and trying to sort out all this shit is just really pushing me further and further away from what I feel is a safe/stable place that I WAS in. I want to go to the doctors and get help but I am petrified that either I will be dismissed with other drugs and told to come back in 4 to 8 weeks OR I will be locked up or something!! I am lost and don't know what to do but at the same time I don't care... I don't want to give up on everything but am becoming closer and closer to that point!!!!