Saturday, 19 October 2013

Help??

So it's been forever since I posted on here. Apologies if I've got any friends or regular readers. I seem to only post here when I'm in the midst of an episode (be it manic or depressive) and today is no different.

I am at the end of my tether. I am completely lost and have NO idea what to do. I'm not coping and haven't been for over a month now. I need help but I don't know who or where to go. I'm also petrified that going to "help" isn't going to actually going to help me. And I really can't cope with drawing this out longer than it needs to be... If I go to a doctor and they can't identify with my problem and give me a program or something that will actually help me I don't know what I'd do. I'm tired of this. I'm just over it. I am always having to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine because if I don't then I just feel like everyone gets pissed off and angry at me and always make it seem like I am bringing it on myself so I have no right to complain or anything. The second I'm in a slump people who know I've got a mental illness just dismiss me and tell me that I need to go get professional help. Those who don't know get angry at me because I dare to think about my problems for once rather than listen to everyone else's problems which are fucking trivial!!!

I am loosing control and genuinely concerned that I'm going to do something stupid. I'm entertaining thoughts that I've never done before. I've never been as bad that I've not been able to push stupid thoughts out of my head. I'm lost. And as evident in this blog I'm stuck in a loop! I am so fucking dizzy from going around in circles. 

I have no choice but to just push everything I'm feeling aside though because once got that much to deal with that if I'm not able to fix or help everyone else they won't cope.

I'm tired of it. I need help but don't know where to go! I need it to stop. I want to go back to being the 'happy go lucky' guy everyone knows me to be...

Believe me you have NO bloody idea how much I would love to be me again. I've not been myself for a long time. I'm absolutely exhausted from pretending I'm okay, pretending nothing is wrong, saying I'm okay so I can help other people with their problems.

WHAT DO I DO!!!

I can't go to my "safe people" because one of them in now living in another country, my sister doesn't know how to help me outside of just listening to me. Which believe me she is happy to do and I appreciate it but as I said talking is not helping it's just sending me round in circles.

My mum will just tell me I'm to busy and I need to cut back on my theatrical projects but no matter how many times I've told everyone this but theatre is honest to god the only thing keeping me together. It is the ONLY thing keeping me here. 

It is my life. It is ME! And theatre is the only time I get to feel something the resembles myself.

I can't see how people don't understand this... It's been my whole life since I was a kid when I started dancing. So 16 years theatre/live performance has been my life. It's the ONLY CONSISTENT in my life.

... And NOW looking back over this blog I feel like I'm being a fucking drama queen and just dramatizing everything. 

HELP! HOW DO I BREAK THIS CYCLE! I'm stuck in this loop and just want to get off.

I feel that I am at the end of the war, but I'm on the loosing side.