Had rehearsals today for "Jesus Christ Superstar" now while I am normally a VERY easy production team member to work with. Today just had me at the end of my teather. It was just a flat rehearsal, people's heads were just not there tonight. I know I shouldn't be worried about it and I need to listen to my own advice that I have told others tonight... Which is that every show has a shit rehearsal where nothing seems to go right, which is very true. And tonight was it for this production. Tuesday just gone was very good and while it had its rough moments... On the whole was a very good rehearsal. Tonight fell over and I was getting very frustrated and begun to loose patience with my cast which I've not done before. I think it is because I'm feeling VERY inadequate with this show. It's not as simple as I thought. While I can teach it all and the compound and irregular timesignatures are not anything new to me... I have NO idea how to conduct some of the songs... There are bits in 5/8... HOW DO I CONDUCT THAT?? And 7/8, and 7/4 and 5/4 (the 7-4 and 5/4 don't actually pose as much issues) but it's doing my head in... Along with the fact that I'm not the best pianist in the game. While I can play this score... When it comes to the fucked time signatures it's really hard for me to play, conduct and cue the cast and band. I just don't know how this one is going to all just fit together in the end. I also think that the cast and band are always judging me... It's stupid and I'm sure they aren't BUT even though rationally I know this it does not stop my mind going there. I just want the show to be good. I want to have my confidence back! I know my shit!!! If I ever came against something that I didn't know I used to just ask someone who would. But now I'm just always second guessing myself. I don't know why!! I have had people tell me that "friends" talk and bag me out behind my back. A girl that I helped compile music for her show has apparently said "Ben does a heap of shows but doesn't do any of them well"... Like... WTF!!! My first two shows that I Musically directed in Melbourne were amazing! And were award winning and rave reviews etc... The rest I've had people compliment and stuff but I just don't have confidence in my abilities. I don't know what it is...
I care to much about what other people think. I'm always trying to make sure everyone else is happy... I'm sacrificing quality because I'm making choices that in the end make people happy and keep the peace rather than what I think is right or needs to be done!
I really just need a win. It would be amazing if I had a mentor or someone that sees something in me and says "kids got potential and passion, let's give him a shot"
Seriously I would be happy to be an assistant and to sit back, take notes and LEARN but I don't see that happening.
This is all really just the straw that broke the camels back. I'm crumbling fast and don't see it stoping. Really no end in sight.
Why can't ... I don't even know what I want, I give up! Just need to finish this shit off and stop trying. No one would be disappointed then. I won't be letting anyone down. Just go into hibernation and go through day by day doing what ever I need to keep everyone else happy.
I feel so pathetic writing this stupid blog. I do nothing but bitch... But a)no one reads it anyway so I guess it's okay and b) I need to vent somewhere... Not that it helps... At all...